".. ouais, je ne mange pas beaucoup .."

calorific (counting)

2011-05-18T06:42:00.001-07:00

I'm going to throw my hands up and admit that there has been a little bit of calorie counting going on in my life again recently, which is why I've made such a valiant return to the blog that there are going to be TWO POSTS IN ONE WEEK.

It's a slippery slope, yada yada yada, but given some of my self-loathing behaviour, and insane weight gain lately, maybe it's a good thing. I just need to even out somewhere in the middle.

(Because, of course, that's such an easy thing to do. Do you never learn, woman?)

I think the alcohol might be the main thing I need to curb, though. Oh, the life of a student.

recently, i have done these things

2011-05-14T02:57:00.000-07:00

Hello. Recently, I have:

almost pulled a very very cute female...
... but sadly didn't;
came out as not-just-liking-men to two of my flatmates, who took it reasonably well and I'm please about that;
had new passport photos taken which snowballed into some big moral crisis about the state of my chin/the difference in chub between my pre-university student card photo, and my end-of-first-year new passport photo. NOT HAPPY;
flirted and nothing more with a super cute barman;
wept;
sat one exam;
failed to start revising for second exam which is in... three days;
not wept about that one, yet;
booked a holiday to Italy with Man where I am going to be so, so, so very hot, in the temperature sense;
self-harmed in the library toilets (how very 13 year old of me! I think I'm over it now, it was a momentary blip);
not wanted to go home;
wanted to go home.

Tonight I'm hosting a party for Eurovision. Can't beat a crazy little bit of Europop.

Jedward, anyone?

2011-03-11T17:38:00.001-08:00

I just cried so much I drooled on my arm.

LOL.

It just wouldn't be New Years Eve...

2010-12-31T13:35:00.000-08:00

... without me crying for a good hour about my fatness/failure during the past year. EVERY SINGLE TIME.

Fucking excellent. Happy New Year lovely readers. I hope it's blooming marvellous.

Foody Foodmas

2010-12-26T06:03:00.000-08:00

Although I'm pretty convinced I am now a roast potato due to the quantity consumed yesterday, it worries me that during the 24 hour period that was Christmas Day, I ate less food than I have done every other day for the past month. Except Vitamin B pill day, obviously.

Is it resolutions time already?

tears 'n' vit b

2010-12-10T16:25:00.001-08:00

I caught a nice glimpse of that dark me again, which I've manage to stuff under the surface quite well recently. In solid preparation for my exam this afternoon, I spent the morning crying, and popped a vitamin B pill which counted as my breakfast and lunch because it 'helps maintain energy levels'.

See? SEE THE LOGIC?

2010-12-10T02:42:00.001-08:00

I haven't left the house thus haven't put on make up thus haven't cleansed my face in three days. Skank ho.

I have a final today. I think it'll be alright, providing a couple of decent questions come up. I was up til 3 last night trying-to-study-but-distracted-by-flatmate-chat-and-biscuits and got up at 8.45 this morning to study. BRB dying.

I go home in less than a week. No way.

(Yeah way.)

2010-12-02T08:52:00.000-08:00

Can't believe it's been a month. I'm busy, about to start exams, so obviously now I want to start blogging again. I'm addicted to pizza. If I liked clichés, I'd say it's the new carb. And luckily for you, I do like the odd cliché!

I think I'm probably fatter. I continue to be unaware of what weight I am - less than two weeks til I can find out. My boobs are still trying to take over the world.

I went to Paris. That was beautiful.

It's snowing here. "IT IS RUINING MY FUCKING LIFE oh but wait it's so pretty let me look out the window for just a minute more...!" is how I generally feel about it.

Awful blog. Very sorry.
D+ must try harder.

i suk at lyf

2010-11-01T18:09:00.001-07:00

I have so much work to do, but as opposed to actually doing it this evening, I Skype'd the boyfriend, worked out what to wear tomorrow to see him (first time in eight weeks.. so excited), played with my vibe for NEARLY TWO HOURS (where the hell does time go when that thing gets involved!?) and now it's 1:15am and I'm knackered. Obviously, I'm a perfect student.

2010-10-31T10:19:00.000-07:00

Well, man alive. I have 100 followers. I know this isn't a gross quantity, but I'm excited. Thanks guys. x

Tonight I am going out as a 1920s flapper! Unfortunately I'm very, very bad at make up so people are just going to have to FOCUS ON THE DRESS OKAY? Vintage. I'm proud.

the big freeze

2010-10-23T03:32:00.000-07:00

I love my heater.

I am always cold here. This is the girl who used to go out in a vest and a blazer, maybe with an ~ironic scarf, from March-December and then might put on a cardigan for the remaining three months.

I wear layers now! LAYERS! The snood is my new clothing item of choice.

I still don't know if I've gained or lost weight. I could ask my mum what she thinks when I see her next week...

LOL.

"tony two crisps"

2010-10-21T13:56:00.000-07:00

is what they're going to call me.

Guess who didn't eat all day?

Then had a nice little portion of vegetarian chilli and some rice.

Then, OH WAIT, had only half a bottle of wine and then went out to buy and consume two bags of crisps back to back at 10pm.

This is not the first time this has happened to me. More like a regular occurance. Whatever. I like being 'Tony Two Crisps'.

2010-10-19T08:10:00.000-07:00

I think I've said this before. But quite often it makes me sad to realise that this blog, on which I am nearing 100 followers without really being very good at following anyone myself, is the blog that has had most attention, praise and following.

It's a messed up world.

2010-10-13T15:50:00.001-07:00

The chip shop across the road is simultaneously the best and worst thing to ever happen to me. THEY COOK THEM FRESH TO ORDER what is this madness!?

In other news, I have back ribs again which is nice. I miss scales. I want to buy some. It would be a waste of money. I don't know what to do about that.

Everyone else is buggering off home this weekend, so I'll be in the flat alone - planning a Saturday of luxury haircuts and Starbucks.

Course is very busy.

Man is exhausted because I like talking. Generally at midnight. He gets turned on. Conversation ends up going on til 2am. He is unimpressed. But never fear, only three weeks til he appears down here. Kerching.

And in other, other news, I'm currently procrastinating putting on a DVD. Whatever.

2010-10-10T07:19:00.001-07:00

I bought a vibrator yesterday. It is what has been missing from my procrastination filled life.

2010-09-27T09:24:00.000-07:00

'... what's up with you and crisps?!'

'... lots'

*puts down packet of crisps*

excuse my major pms-ing earlier

2010-09-23T11:40:00.000-07:00

I'm sorry you had to witness me in such a state.

I just washed up everyone else's dishes, in a spirit of kindness sort of way. Except I hate other people's food, especially fucking residue, and I still feel disgusting.

I can't get it off my hands! Eww.

2010-09-23T03:26:00.001-07:00

spending day acting irrationally.

i just felt my belly JIGGLE.

get tae fuck.

2010-09-22T18:01:00.000-07:00

not fucking coming down til november.

i am so, so upset.

2010-09-22T15:26:00.001-07:00

i am rage. RAGE.

i swear to fuck if i am ever cheated on, all you will see of my arm is freaking bone from where i have SCRAPED IT TO FUCK.

feel the impressed in this post.

2010-09-14T08:42:00.000-07:00

Oh fuck me, I'm going to have nine hours of classes A WEEK. That's it. Seriously, that leaves me 159hrs of time to kill.

But nevermind, it could be worse - I could be unfortunately stuck in a lecture theatre from 9 til6 everyday. I want to say I'm going to do loads of interesting things (I am going to write to the local radio station!), but I'm probably just going to kick back on Facebook and blogs for 80% of the time.

I am also now addicted to Weight Watchers Malted Danish bread, toasted. So tasty and only approx 60kcals a slice. Yum.

2010-09-12T09:26:00.000-07:00

So I moved in, like four hours ago. I am knackered due to loads of travelling and running round with giant carriers bags full of bedding and alcohol. I am having my first student meal, starting as I mean to go on with a Cup-A-Soup and an oatcake. I think I am going out tonight, but I am also phoning my lovely Man to talk because... y'know, he's good fun.

SO TIRED.

silk panties

2010-09-05T04:24:00.001-07:00

My mum informed me last week she wants to be able to see her own ribs once she's finished losing weight.

She's only a 10/12.

Fuck's sake.

It is now six days til I move.

I'm mainly looking forward to fashionista-ing it up. You can't wear silk panty shorts as outerwear here. Definitely with thick tights, however. I'm not completely mental. Generally.

future plans

2010-08-29T15:29:00.000-07:00

At only 64kcals a serving, I plan to eat this for dinner every night in T minus 13 days. I hope this works. I'm fed up with my stomach and muffin top and flabby upper arms and the stretch marks on my legs from where I ballooned to fuckery. I can't not care about it any more. I just can't. It's doing me no favours.

I'm also joining the gym AS SOON as I move, for many reasons:

I can't be fucking fat. One of my friends lives with an Eastern European catwalk model. If this happens to me I will eat myself to an early grave. I can't compete with that. I'm short and stumpy anyway.
I apparently only have 12 hours of course the whole week - I'm used to a 35hr week at one job, plus 4hrs at second job. What am I going to do except exercise and knit?
Radio Guy is gonna be here, I'm gonna be there. We've just talked about it and are not going to stay together officially, but without planning to see other people and still talking to each other on a regular to daily basis (hmm). So I'm not exactly going to be getting laid and I'm going to have a lot of frustration to let out.

Me and the cross trainer are going to have a very close relationship. We'll be so comfortable, it will happily fart in my company and wear its pyjamas when we lounge on the couch.

scratching post

2010-08-29T06:32:00.000-07:00

Been pretty high on the self-loathing scale lately. My thighs look like a cat has used them as a scratching post, mainly because I've been using them as a scratching post.

I don't even know what it is, because I'm 'happy', everything's perfect and I'm even getting a bit miffed about moving because it's all going so well here. But something's up and it gets to me even more that I can't even tell what it is.

Expect a self-discovery post in approx. 3 days.

awards!

2010-07-26T14:14:00.000-07:00

Now, we all probably know I'm a bit of an attention lover (bitch). So when the lovely miss Violet gave me an award, I felt I had to comply.

I love:

1. Politics. As a favourite teacher once said to me: 'politics. It's a dirty game... and that's why I love it'. That just encapsulates my feelings completely.

2. Shopping. For anything. Clothes. Food. Music. Tickets. Books. Tea. Presents. Cards. Homeware. Gadgets. If you can buy it, I'll do it.

3. Live music. Especially when you're a bit drunk, on your own, down on the front, with the sweaty old men, singing your lil' ol' heart out and clinging to the barrier like it's the end of the world. I could do that forever.

4. Carbohydrate. 'I thought she was on Atkins?' 'Carbs found her!' - carbs don't need to find me. I offer myself to them like a cheap corner hooker. My God, they love to use my body.

5. Bed with the boyfriend. Because I'm a big old sap now. Dickhead. Look what he's done to me.

I loathe:

1. Mushy food, mashed food. Makes me want to puke. Over and over again.

2. Spiders, flies, insects, bugs generally. EWW.

3. People who drive slowly on open road. I'm not necessarily advocating breaking the speed limit. But when you're doing 30mph along an open stretch of road with no junctions and NOTHING on the go.. there's something wrong.

4. My stomach and back fat.

5. The fact I'm suddenly fucking bricking it about university. Not the going away part.. just all the shit I've got to do beforehand :/

This was rubbish. I'm quite fat right now. On Sunday I ate two scones and three packets of crisps. Go figure.

I would like to pass this on to people whom I see reading this/commenting regularly:

Peridot

flabby-j (who I'm sure is in no ways 'flabby)

Eva

throughraindrops

hi.

2010-07-03T03:31:00.001-07:00

I've moved house! So that's where I've been for the past, like, month.

While not here, I have

- become obsessed with the World Cup (come the fuck on, Germany!)

- been told I have eczema, like the weird flakey boy in my primary school class did :(

- acquired one of the nicest views I've ever seen

- got really excited about my summer festivalling

- made the council's culture spokesperson resign because I proved him wrong in front of the whole council (in a much less dramatic way than I've portrayed it!)

- had exploding boobs (stupid pill) - when naked, I now look like Milk Bottle Jordan, with a less toned stomach and little patches of discoid eczema

FUCKING MESS, PHYSICALLY!

Pretty alright... "emotionally".

awkward times

2010-06-15T13:46:00.000-07:00

today i went to the doctor to get myself on some birth control in order to avoid any risk of a bun in the oven situation.

the doctor i got was my girls' brigade leader when i was seven.

when i said i'd like to go on the pill, she was like

'... well, i feel old!'

revenge?

2010-06-10T07:54:00.001-07:00

Any time I see my boyfriend and his married ex boss have been flirt messaging again (ugh), I feel we're even if I get myself off to some lesbian porn.

I don't know why, because a) he doesn't know I do it, b) even if he did, he'd think it was so hot, I genuinely believe he'd keel over, and c) it's not like I do this exclusively only at these times.

2010-06-08T16:06:00.000-07:00

Today, someone poked me in the spine as I was speaking to someone else. Their opening line was then:

'Wow, I didn't realise you were so skinny! That hurt me... must've hurt you!'

a) Apparently, I have a pointy spine.

b) What do you expect, if you poke said pointy spine?

c) 'I didn't realise you were so skinny' - fucking brilliant.

I nearly passed out on the toilet at work today. I'M GOING TO DIE LIKE ELVIS.

future predictions

2010-05-30T13:59:00.001-07:00

Brother: God, when you move away you're going to end up about 2 stone. All you eat is toast and cous cous.

Me: I do not think that is going to happen.

personal questions

2010-05-27T16:26:00.000-07:00

This stick insect of a woman that I work with asked me what size my jeans (those ones right there) were the other day. Another told me they were the 'perfect fit' and asked me to turn round, effectively so she could look at my ass.

A win for skinny flares, I must say.

my dream

2010-05-10T14:17:00.000-07:00

is to toast an entire loaf of Hovis Seed Sensations bread, cover it with slightly salted Lurpack and eat it all in one sitting.

this weekend

2010-05-02T16:09:00.000-07:00

This weekend I have:

confessed all my foodie issues while naked and vulnerable. He was genuinely worried about me. Said I really needed to get help, and that what was going to happen when I went to uni? That scares me more than it scared him, I think. He informed me that he was going to 'come down there and kick my ass' if he so much as heard anything about me relapsing into bad ways.
eaten six pieces of toast in one day (and that's not all) to prove a point.
lost a pound.
walked miles in high heels to TONE.
taken the MAJOR relationship step of having him no longer listed as single on Facebook. Not 'in a relationship', but no longer 'single'. That's plenty much for me.

piglets and rabbits

2010-04-28T15:39:00.001-07:00

Look, me getting cutesy with animals. It's a rare event. That, my friends, is Facebook celebrity super pig, Lowrie.

Work Guy and I's sex drives are all fucked up. In that I am TOTALLY the man of the relationship, in a 'why aren't we shagging right now?' kind of way. He's like 'you're like every man's dream in a relationship, and I'm just like "I'm shattered!"'. Ugh.

'If you were with *guy we know who unfortunately happens to be a vague cousin of mine* you'd be at it like rabbits, everywhere'.

YES. YES WE WOULD.

I think I've lost a little weight. Not enough, not enough by far. But a little. I'm going to my friend's house tomorrow, the one that I trust myself to stand on the scales of. My own scales lie. Bastards. So I guess I'll find out then.

awol

2010-04-20T12:32:00.000-07:00

I'm so sorry for being completely AWOL recently, and then sauntering in with lame ass post excuses for my behaviour. Here's my real reasoning:

I started a job in an office in March. They're all lovely, but they talk about weight/losing weight/eating all the time, I obviously sit at a desk all day long and there are copious supplies of fucking biscuits. I'm a typical office cliché of getting fat v v fast.

Combined with the typical cliché of getting a new man (new-ish) and eating to keep up with him (except my cheese breakdowns). We had to go out for food the other day and WHAT IS WITH EVERYTHING BEING COVERED IN CHEESE? Under that it was effectively just baked beans and slices of potato, neither of which I really like, and certainly don't want to eat covered in greasy cheese fat. (On a side note, that cost £11. WTF.) I made a minor scene, he was like 'yeah, we're never eating out again'. I'm like 'no'. So basically now at his house I eat toast. Meagre but necessary, because, otherwise, all we'd eat would be pizza and chips - acceptable for trashy Jersey Shore marathons but at NO OTHER TIME.

My internet connection in my room is fucked, so I'm cramming this in on the living room computer while I have a chance.

I'm so fucking fat.

All I'd talk about besides my flabby and ever expanding gut and thighs would be my lesbian infatuations with Tina Fey (which are dwindling now I've found out she only likes 'nice' guys. Namby pamby or wut. She doesn't know what she's missing with a dodgy, narcisstic-but-simultaneously-self-loathing dangerously older/committed man who likes things a bit rough. And by that I mean everyone I've ever dated)

So, yep. I'm aware my grace period for all these things is pretty much over. Maybe I should just accept that I'm destined to be a fat girl.

I hope you're all doing good. Sorry I don't read your blogs or comment as much as I did - the Internet connection thing has put paid to that, really. I miss you x

total meltdown

2010-04-11T14:12:00.000-07:00

Today I had what could only be described as a complete freak out over... lunch. I haven't had one of them in AGES: I've been quite... well, I haven't been complaining, hence the lack of blogging.

However, it came to lunch today, and I don't know what happened. I looked in the fridge and cupboards at Work Guy's house, and all I could see was either lumpy soup (eww eww soup) or just fat fat fat. Things I would never eat. I wanted to make a lettuce and pepper roll, which is effectively all I will ever eat for lunches, but there was no lettuce. And to make a roll with just pepper would be weird and I'm striving not to look weird here.

So I took an apple and he looked at me and was like 'what the fuck? There's nothing else you want? You're going to start fading away' (which is a ridiculous suggestion). I shook my head and already knew this was going to be a bad experience.

He was like 'cheese on toast? You said you have that sometimes', and that is true, except I have a single piece of half fat cheddar on wholemeal granary. So I agreed, feeling wholly wary.

Looking in the fridge again, I was like 'oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck' because all there was was brie, ready grated mozzarella (VOM) and cheap, budget, full fat mature Tesco cheddar. I fully freaked, I just... could not bring myself to do it. He was like 'what? What's up with it? Why can't you?' and oh God it was horrible.

hey guize

2010-04-05T06:01:00.001-07:00

Work Guy is trying to fatten me up, and I tend to get mad with him about it.

Except on Sunday nights, when we get pizza, chips, various diet sodas in cans and watch Jersey Shore. I'm in love.

They make me feel good about my thighs.

spare tyres and power lesbians

2010-03-22T15:44:00.000-07:00

Nice. Radio Guy decided that because he was like 'Jack the Porky Middle Aged Bloke' off the Change 4 Life adverts, I must be like the orange, spare tyre bellied floozy he can no longer have sex with.

TYRE!

I HAVE A FUCKING TYRE!

(I would like to clarify that this was a joke, although not a very funny one that I have not even half forgiven him for, especially not when followed the day after by 'are you sure you'll be able to fit out of the car? Is it 'cause you're a little bit overweight?'. Again, this is in complete keeping with the fact that we mock each other about EVERYTHING, and he has specified to me previously that he would only ever mock something that clearly wasn't true (i.e. shit radio skills, bad dress sense) so I can't really complain.. but he has no idea that it actually makes me want to induce vomiting and then hurt myself)

Screw men. When it comes time for me to settle down, a crazy 30 something businesswoman, I'm going for Tina Fey's incredibly sexy, power lesbian identical twin.

I don't think she officially has one. But I'm going to find her, if it's the last thing I do.

2010-03-12T14:50:00.000-08:00

I AM FAIRLY DRUNK

I HAVE NOTHING CONSTRUCTIVE TO SAY

BUT IT'S BEEN A LONG TIME, BABY

love.

potential for fuck up.

2010-02-28T14:06:00.000-08:00

I think I've perhaps let too much of my real self come through with Work Guy. Nothing bad has happened. There's now a stock of vegetarian friendly foods in his house, on top of everything else (DISLIKE. Last night I got just stirfried vegetables, on their own, because the sauce he'd bought for the noodles etc was a Pad Thai full of fish sauce. I was perfectly happy with that). But it's got to the quite-a-few-dates stage where he's like 'yeah, you don't eat anything/you're really fussy/are you sure you don't want more? Really? Take more. Please'.

I hate this stage - having been here before, I know it's awkward, and I have few options:
- I can choose to ignore it, but then have him probably be a bit pissy and confused because I refuse to eat anything he gives me/turn down lunch etc.
- I can buy food and take it to his, then cook and control portions for myself, but I'm not doing that all the time, basically because it's an expensive fuss, and I'm a bit cheapskate and lazy.
- I could just not eat around him, but that will probably end up with me raiding cupboards for handfuls of raisins and uncooked baguettes at 5am.

Or, sadly, I could go with the truth. That when I was younger I was so unadventurous I ate solely carbohydrate and apples. Then I branched out my diet and developed late, sudden puppy fat. Then I stopped eating altogether. Then started again at an alarming rate. And now I'm all fucked up, somewhere in between the two, with the fussiness of vegetarianism thrown in for a laugh.

I think I'm going to hold on the truth, though. My competitiveness and general OCD were introduced last night with a game of Monopoly, in which I kicked ass, the notes were all facing the same way, and I gave change to the bank (like, need to pay £35? Give a £50 and a £5 and take £20 back. As if I was at work at the shop).

I have been branded a loser - fortunately with affection, at least for the moment. Crazy needs to be released in small doses, I think.

mother quote!

2010-02-23T06:21:00.001-08:00

'If I ever have to buy you anything in a size 16 [UK], I'm rejecting you. But not before I send you gym memberships and low cal cookbooks'.

I LOVE THIS WOMAN.

chap'd

2010-02-21T14:00:00.000-08:00

OMFG my lips are going to fall off my face. They're so fucking dry - a combination of cold weather, the common cold, and too much kissing. And there is only so much Vaseline a girl can use!

Living off toast. I mean, I tend to do that anyway, except usually I binge on it outside of mealtimes. I'm currently just eating it, and little else. It's so good. Carbs and me were meant to be. Sadly.

I walked for two hours last night. It was awesome. Fucking freezing, like (seriously. Zero degrees), but awesome.

At Work Guy's house, I now have a specific side of the bed, and a box of my favourite tea in the cupboard, which he bought for me. To keep there. Next thing I know, there'll be a toothbrush with my name on it, and an empty drawer in the nightstand. And he keeps going on about 'not having expectations about where this is going' and 'not seriously dating'.

I'm sorry. Is it any wonder I'm a little bit confused?

at the request of violet and peri

2010-02-20T08:39:00.000-08:00

.. the veggie chilli recipe.

(probably for about 2-3 people - from it, I got a small bowl, a manly portion, and a little left over)

half an onion
1 red pepper
1 garlic clove
half a red chilli
half a tin of lentils
1 tin kidney beans
1 tin chopped tomatoes
CORIANDER.

1. Fry onion, pepper, chilli and garlic for 15-20 minutes
2. Add tomatoes, kidney beans, lentils and some coriander. Simmer for 10 minutes.

DONE. Serve with shitloads of coriander.

Ramsay would be proud.

so, i went with

2010-02-18T04:52:00.001-08:00

A vegetarian friendly chilli. It went down very well, actually - some tomatoes, onions, peppers, garlic, kidney beans, lentils and chilli. Oh, and coriander. I would eat that stuff like a cow chewing the cud. Bought some bread for him to pad out his portion with, while I had a small bowl. Perfect.

I'm going through that phase where I just talk about.. this and really not much else. I'm a little sorry.

For example, yesterday, he left to go to work, and I was like 'I can get up, come to town too, it's fine' and he was like 'no, don't worry, just stick around, catch a bus later', so I hung around, had a lie in, watched some Food Network, drank orange juice and did the dishes. Man alive.

cooking

2010-02-15T15:57:00.001-08:00

Tomorrow night, I'm cooking for Work Guy. He's not vegetarian, but says he's alright with having a vegetarian option. I am scouring my myriad veggie cookbooks (FYI: I've got every single one under the sun. Everyone I know says I don't eat a lot.. so they buy me cookbooks. My bookshelf revolves around them) for something which is

a) low in fat and calories (for my benefit)

b) hearty and filling enough that it doesn't lack meat (for his benefit)

c) not too filling (for optimum lack of bloatedness)

d) simple, ingredients-wise (for cheapness, mainly, as I'm buying)

e) quick and easy to make, while still presenting impressively (because, c'mon, I'm going to get distracted but I still need to look like a shit hot chef)

oh, yeah, and

f) exceptionally tasty (obvz so I can be like 'yo, I'm better at this than you are')

.. OH GOD.

tmi from night spent with work guy

2010-02-13T14:51:00.000-08:00

Yeah soooo I stayed at his last night. Shit food, good times.. and the best orgasm I've ever been given by anyone else ;)

Weirdly, I felt much more relaxed and openly sexual with him than I ever did with Man, although we were meant to have the months-and-months-of-relationship connection.

I also felt comfortable enough to allow his fingers to do something I've never let anyone do before. And it was not bad at all. Interesting.. ;)

And now, the worst part of the TMI:

I wore his t-shirt to bed (man alive it was like a nightie: I'm scraping 5'5 and he's well over 6' - and not overly thin) . I woke up in spooning position at 4am. I watched the whole room get lighter over a period of hours in the morning where we just lay in bed. And I fucking loved it. I loved just.. sleeping with someone. I despise overly romantic and mushy and 'aww, cuddles' couples, so this is really awkward to write about.

Sorry. Cold hearted bitch will be back soon. Promise.

WIN!

2010-02-11T10:03:00.000-08:00

Unconditionally accepted to the University of Edinburgh to do Politics in September. BITCHIN'.

Can't wait to move away. And to my favourite place, ever.

Freeeeeeeeeeeeeeedommmmmmmm! Braveheart style.

oooh, and

2010-02-10T06:09:00.001-08:00

Happy belated one year birthday, blog!

Let's all have some cake to celebrate.

.. I jest.

i need a minder

2010-02-10T06:00:00.001-08:00

I'm too embarrassed to eat outside actual designated mealtimes when there's anyone else in the house. It's a great scheme: 'ooh, parent might think I'm greedy and fat - better not eat that!'. Sadly, I am currently on study leave, thus at home on my own.

I'm typing this single handedly, as I have a half eaten Magnum in my other hand. And if there was another, I'd totally eat it. I don't even really like ice cream. What the fuck.

a little too little, a little too late

2010-02-07T08:31:00.000-08:00

A girl I know through various writing things (well, from one occasion, really, and she's cyberstalk/add-ed me everywhere since) also happens to be the fattest person I know in real life. Her photos were rejected from the Facebook page of this dress company she's obsessed with, and she has publically complained that they were out of UK size 24, so she had to order a UK size 22 instead. She's in her final year of uni, and potentially going to fail her Journalism and Creative Writing course - because her writing is shit, but let's not get into that now.

Her latest Twitter revelation is that

I may need to join the uni gym.

Well, hun, it's the last three months of your fourth year. You've already got to the size you are. Might as well just leave it now.

brot! pain! bread!

2010-02-02T12:44:00.000-08:00

Due to the crazy amounts of snow, and panic buying shoppers over the past five days, we've had no bread in the house for.. well, far too long now, anyway.

TODAY, THE BREAD HAS RETURNED.

I feel an almighty toast binge coming on, and I think I like it.

dear bra companies

2010-01-31T14:34:00.000-08:00

I am a woman. And sometimes, just sometimes, women have tits. Sometimes, women have disproportionately large tits compared to the size of their, say, hips, or waist. In situations like these, some PADDED MONSTROSITY, or a BALCONY BRA will not do. I partially blame bras like these (also, partially my genes, but whatever) for my having been told on more than three occasions that my boobs do not look real. I do not want to look like some pushed up, padded out Katie Price wanna!

And so I come to you, A N Other Bra Company. I want non-padded, but I want it to be sexy. I don't want to stick that in the search box, and get back four plain white t-shirt bras! What the fuck is wrong with you?!

Man up. Seriously. I want underwear. I've got mature and experienced male colleagues to impress.

Lots of love,

Breasts-not-quite-big-enough-for-those-'E-K'-catalogues-but-which-look-ridiculous-in-something-that-was-blatantly-designed-for-a-pre-teen-whore

xoxo

i'm going into AA

2010-01-30T14:36:00.000-08:00

That's Aspartame Anonymous, by the way.

That was my kitchen table, sometime in May. I don't think there has been any less Diet Coke than that in the house at any point since then. I drank two litres in the past two days. I know I've been flat out addicted to it since I was, oh, yay high, but this is taking it to a whole new extreme.

I also really want these 'maternity hareem PJ bottoms' I found on the Topshop website today. They sound so comfy. It's a shame I'm not

a) pregnant (what a joke, of course that's not a shame)

b) able to sleep in long PJ bottoms (far too hot)

c) about to be seen dead in hareem pants (well, that's just common sense!)

middle class bird food

2010-01-29T06:41:00.000-08:00

The snow here is crazy. Like, seriously mad. It hasn't stopped since I got up at quarter to seven this morning, and it's very, very windy. The birds outside look starving, and so my mother has decided to put together some homemade bird food for them. This includes

- redskin peanuts and linseeds from a reasonably expensive health food shop

- fancy organic museli

- granary breadcrumbs

- parmesan shavings

And if that doesn't scream pretentious, middle class to you... my God.

The snow is, however, such an inconvenience.

For example, I am not at work this evening in order to flirt with Guy from Work (more on that later), as I can't drive to town. Boo.

Later? Maybe now. Long and short of it, he kissed me. Interesting turn of events - wasn't expecting a kiss where there was no potential for follow up (time/location wouldn't have allowed it). Don't know what's going on there, but I think I like it.

Food/weight news.. very little. Have eaten a fair quantity recently (fat bitch), but can still see varying amounts of ribs and don't weigh any more, so am trying to breathe easy.

And, finally, I'm going on the list of temps for the council, so that I can leave school and work there in a dull old office job (hurrah for mum being able to potentially pull some management strings and have my position in the queue elevated slightly..). Mainly because I'm fed up of telling people I'm still at school. However, it's also partly because I have all the grades I need, I'm in to 3 of 5 unis I applied to, and I'll never say no to having the money for September.

2010-01-21T14:23:00.000-08:00

Man and I broke up. It wasn't like a break up. It was just like 'well, this is probably the right decision'. I cried. He didn't think I'd be fussed, at all. I cried some more. I can't believe we're over. A part of me feels like we'll be very Ross & Rachel-y, because it wouldn't be the first time - and we've been through an awful lot to get where we are now.

But he tells me he started thinking with his head, and not his heart, and that he doesn't think he can give up all the things he'd have to give up in order for us to be together publically. Which is fair enough, I guess, I see where he's coming from, and it would be really, really selfish of me to ask him to do so..

It's just.. everything would be so much easier if I wasn't so stupidly in love with him.

This is horrible. My friends keep telling me it's 'for the best'. I'm not ready to hear that. I'm just not. I wish they would shut the fuck up.

exhaustion

2010-01-17T07:40:00.000-08:00

So, our big show/kind of prom thing that was cancelled because of snow before Christmas was held on Friday night. It went quite spectacularly - I'm so proud of everyone, and it put last year's to shame.

I'm so proud of it (and the fact I've lost 6lbs since the last time I checked the scales - which was about October/November, as I try to stay away from them in order to keep me from starving myself to oblivion) that I'm actually going to give you a photo. Of me and a guy from my year: we hosted the whole shebang. 'Cause I'm cool like that.

So, it's far away, my legs are weirdly crossed, my hips look huge (I swear it's the dress) and God knows what's going on with my shoulders. But there you go. Yours truly.

After the show finished, and the dancing was meant to start, my mood absolutely plummeted. Must've been stress or something. I don't know. But someone asked if I was ok, I burst into tears, cried for a good, oh, hour? and had home instead of going out to get annihilated with my classmates. I hadn't even been drinking!

I've then slept for about 20 hours in the past two days.. which is weird. Usually I'd get in about half that. And I'm still tired.

Oh well. It was great.

glass is half full

2010-01-14T15:23:00.000-08:00

BAD POINT OF DAY:

- eating so much food, and not feeling full at all. Like, insane quantities. There was chocolate cheesecake involved. And chips. Not together, as though that makes it any better.

GOOD POINT OF DAY:

- yes, more Facebook Fun with 34 year old colleague. He was all 'I forget how old you are.. I should be setting a better example..' etc etc AND THEN proceeded to go for it again. Pahaha.

EDIT IV

2010-01-12T09:27:00.000-08:00

Dear Petal, Kitty, & anyone else interested in my sexual exploits:

We explicitly message til 2.15am.

Here's a small selection of the best bits!

E: what happened to not leading me on? :P

Guy: did I say that? ;) you just turn me on wayyy too much.

Guy: that's good to know ;) I don't know what kind of guy I am but you tick all the boxes. Damn, you've got me thinking about you in those shorts...

E: whatever it is about you, I bet you're great in bed..

Guy: I'm going to cum thinking about fucking you. You'd be amazing. I want you.

I'm open enough to post all this on my blog, but I'm just a little too prude to share any of the messages with all the naughty words (there was a lot of 'cock', 'dick', 'wet' and 'hard'. Oh, and the odd 'ass', but I hate that word so I am censoring it on purpose). Shame I don't have Skype. That's right, folks, he asked! Forward, huh?

Oh, who am I kidding. The whole thing was pretty forward, sort of. I have, in my defence, been

lightly flirting with him since the moment he started working with me last March. Like I would

do with most men.

Way to liven up a Monday night, though! I'm quite chuffed. I'm also seriously looking forward to some ball bustingly epic flirting at work next Friday. And probably some actual sex at some point. Mmmmm.

Lots of love,

Your friendly neighbourblog slut

OKAY..

2010-01-11T12:49:00.000-08:00

.. good and bad points of Facebook-private-message-flirting with thirty-something slightly silver foxish colleague?

GO.

EDIT:

Seeing as no advice was offered, I went for it anyway.

WIN!

E - and when did you notice my legs?

Guy - most weeks. but especially when you wear those shorts and tights. really hot. you've got such a great body.

This is the greatest experience of my year. So far. Long may it continue.

EDIT II:

Casual flirting.. explicit sex?

What's the difference, again?

EDIT III:

How did Bridget Jones deal with this kind of situation? Badly, I guess is the answer. Though I'd say it's a little more than 'skirt seems to be off sick' now. I have to drive 22 miles in order to be educated in 7 hours, and I'm having seriously inappropriate internet sex with a guy I work with. Oh man.

overpowering mothers

2010-01-08T15:28:00.000-08:00

Two of my friends' mothers told them on separate occasions they needed to calm down the food intake and lose some weight. I don't think mothers are meant to do that. I'm sure quite a few do! But it's not really in the job description..

(Mine just talks to me on Facebook chat. She's in the living room. I'm in my room. There are four steps between the two. We're so hip and modern..)

Maybe if she did act as ridiculously as that, I'd listen?

mikado!

2010-01-06T15:31:00.001-08:00

Only 11kcals per stick. Brilliant.

And even more so with the weird, pervy Japanese advert. Much better than those Evian babies. I want to kill them. Is it wrong to want to kill dancing babies? I could just wipe them out with their ridiculous boom boxes, or put tons of obstacles in their way so that they'd fall over and graze themselves, or get some kind of gun and -

Probably taking it too far here. Back to Mikado. They're fabulous.

i do have a resolution!

2010-01-03T14:27:00.000-08:00

I'm going to be nicer to myself. I think that would be beneficial. It'd stop me feeling shit, and maybe would stop me being as weird about food.

Okay, that's blatantly never going to work, as I will always be a perfectionist and a pusher, but I can sure as hell try.

happy new year. nearly.

2009-12-31T14:49:00.000-08:00

All my plans got well and truly fucked by snow. So I'm sitting in for the FIFTH YEAR RUNNING with my family (as if I haven't spent enough time with them in the past week and half over Christmas!). I want to do shots of my raspberry Schnapps in private: perhaps then the situation will improve.

I wonder what's to come next year?

My school education will end in May (if I don't leave earlier.. it's tempting). Wow. It's come so soon, and yet I feel I've been waiting an awful long time for it.

I'll be moving away in September. I can't wait. Edinburgh, hopefully - here I come.

I wonder what's going to happen with Man. January is make or break month ('scuse the cliche) - at the moment, I hope it's break month.

I'll be another year older in July - and legally allowed to go out and drink. However, I don't think that will change much, as it does for some people, as I've already been going out for years. If you're not age to drink, and reading this, don't go out until you're of age. It'll make it ten times more fun when you can.

One of my best friends will be staying here, with her boyfriend. I wonder if we'll keep in touch - I feel it might be brief. I think she'll get engaged.
My other best friend will hopefully be studying teaching, but she doesn't want to go to Edinburgh. I'm so pleased that I'll be going out and making new friends, but I wonder if we'll keep in touch, too.
My parents will finally finish building their house, six years after it was started. I'll live in it for approximately five months before I move. I don't think it'll feel like home when I come home.

And I think of all the people I could tell, you guys will appreciate this most. I have no massive OMG GET FIT AND THIN 2010 campaigns going on. On the other hand, I must say, everytime I see food, I consider how there's no way in hell I'm going to buy that for myself at uni. How I'm going to live off stirfried vegetables and Diet Coke. How much fucking weight I will therefore lose, and how fucking rich, in student terms, I'm going to be for it.

I hope next year is fabulous for all of you x

2009-12-29T14:38:00.000-08:00

I think I've had about three, three and a half thousand calories today. Casually packed in, stuffed with self-hatred.

What happened to the days where I would struggle to make five hundred?

I don't tag posts, but if I did, this would be certainly be 'whiny' and 'i'm sorry'.

omfg

2009-12-25T12:47:00.001-08:00

IT'S CHRISTMAS DAY.

I'VE HAD MY VEGETARIAN FRIENDLY, SINGLE PORTION CHRISTMAS DINNER ALREADY.

AND I'VE TANKED UP ON THE WINE.

NEWSFLASH:

I'm ravenous. So, so fucking hungry. How?! Have my binges become so all consuming and calorific that CHRISTMAS DINNER does not satisfy me?

Disown me now. Or kill me now, it'll make no difference.

social conscience

2009-12-22T04:59:00.000-08:00

While absolutely binging out on McCoys crisps (the bane of my frickin' life), ooh, about half an hour ago in front of Scrubs on ComedyCentral, an advert came on for Save the Children. With poor, malnourished, emaciated Akoopiki or whatever his/her name is.

I felt AWFUL.

Why does my gut demand more food (and why do I continue to give in) when there are people like that in the world?

So selfish.

SO COLD

2009-12-19T13:19:00.000-08:00

Oh my God. I can't warm up. At all. My room is freezing. I can't feel my nose. My fingers are tingling. I'm wearing leggings, two pairs of socks, a jumper, a fat-ass cardigan. I have a hot water bottle on my lap. I'm under a quilt. I have a mug of tea.

Yet I'm still FREEZING.

I have in the past said I missed being cold due to lack of food.

I didn't. I really didn't.

why d'you play that song so loud?

2009-12-18T12:55:00.000-08:00

Passed my driving test. Hurrah! Second time's a charm ;)

Then I got drunk. On a Wednesday night. Always good!

The examiner. FUCK ME. Enormous! Like, had-to-hold-the-frame-of-the-car-in-order-to-

lower-himself-into-the-chair-I-kept-hitting-his-leg-while-trying-to-change-gear-bec

ause-it-hung-so-far-over-the-seat-found-it-difficult-to-speak enormous.

Wanted out of that car as soon as possible.

Have decided that until Man leaves Girlfriend ("January".. we'll see..), I'm going to pull.

BECAUSE I WANT TO.

Y'know. Like that Billie song.

the contents of my bin

2009-12-13T04:02:00.000-08:00

When you're someone who dumps food which has been 'eaten', and then later eats shit loads of junk, it makes for an interesting load of rubbish.

crisp packets x 5
fun size chocolate bar wrappers x 8
proper chocolate bar wrapper x 2
empty bottles of Diet Coke x 2
manky old bananas, untouched x 2
untouched melted ice cream in a carrier bag x 1
an untouched roll, also in carrier bag x 1
an untouched brownie, also in carrier bag x 1
soggy and off cereal

Jesus.

reasons to have issues with the world

2009-12-07T12:13:00.000-08:00

such bad period pain I could actually scream, and scream, and scream
my entire house smells of pollen from some lillies my mother bought, which I'm allergic to

Apart from that, I'm alright. I was told today by a guy in my year that I have 'a model walk'. I don't know if this is a good thing or not? I sure as hell don't look like one.

i'm still standing (now, at least)

2009-12-05T12:52:00.001-08:00

I'm unsure what I've been doing for the past two weeks that has meant I haven't posted any blogs, or really read very many, to be honest. I'm sorry.

However, I do know that, last night, I got very very very drunk and vomited all over my best friend's boyfriend's bathroom. I was informed this morning that I was spewing up blood. (All I remember is loads of bits of peanut..) I have no idea why. I'm a bit worried.

I then collapsed on the couch, leaving my friend who was meant to be sleeping there, with a blanket on the hallway floor. Ooooooooooops.

Confessional over.

horrendous, hideous, impossible 'diets'

2009-11-24T13:15:00.000-08:00

St. Catherine of Siena Diet

once daily: 1 cup of lettuce (exotic garden variety) total: 15 calories

St. Margaret of Cortuna Penance Diet

once a week, preferably on Sunday, eat 1 cup of rice of your choice, feel free to add any spices or seasoning you like as long as they don’t have nuts or sesame seeds in them. fast the rest of the week.
total: 200-300 calories

'fast the rest of the week'. So casually. Because it's just that easy, ridiculous 'eating disorder university' website.

sex, babies and skinny jeans

2009-11-22T11:42:00.000-08:00

Today, I pulled on my Topshop size 8 skinnies in a hurry, which didn't fit any more a couple of weeks ago, and ran out the door (obviously, with other clothes on too..). It was only after three minutes in the car that I thought 'hey! I'm wearing these jeans! Comfortably!'

Whey-hey!

I then had to spend time with my cousin and her still-very-new baby. I am in No Way a baby person, though, as they go, hers is quite nice. Unfortunately, after it had made its way happily around everyone else, it got to me and started screaming. Sigh.

I feel guilty about following a paragraph about my cousin's months-old baby girl with one about sex, but I think I'm going to have to do it ('do it' naturally being the operative part of that sentence).

I like sex. I have what could probably be called a high sex drive. And, right now, I need to have sex. Oh, yes, I will get to - next Sunday. Morning. Probably just once (and then likely not again til, oh, say, January?). For the first time since the beginning of September. That's nearly three months!

AND I'M MEANT TO BE SEEING SOMEONE.

I might have to do a Ross and start learning karate.

HOYYYYYYYYYYY-AHHHHHH!

children in need (fail)

2009-11-21T04:14:00.001-08:00

Always so much fun, at the BBC station I work at. Loved it this year, as ever. And, the good news!, after half an orange for lunch, was that THEY HAD SO LITTLE FOOD! I was there from 4pm til 1am, and had 3 mini vegetarian sausage rolls and two breadsticks.

Then having arrived home at 2am, and starving. Mum made toast. I devoured it. And then some crisps.

Oh, E. You fat loser. Never eat in the middle of the night. WTF.

ironic jealousy

2009-11-10T13:48:00.000-08:00

I am jealous of Dawn French. I just saw her kiss Gordon Ramsay on the F Word.

My one true love.

A friend gave me a cough sweet today. It had nutritional information on the side of it. I didn't know they did that. I don't want them any more.

must stop reading lol_anaz

2009-11-09T15:52:00.000-08:00

4 reelz. i dnt even wana join it liekz (tho id fit in ryt wit mi awesum typin stylezzz n lackz of punktuation innit) but it's making me feel quite shit about myself.

'BMI of 21 is on the fatter side of normal'.

Wut mate.

I mean, I know I'd agree in relation to myself. But for general life, spreading it round the internet purposes.. that's not really on.

EDIT: CRYING WITH LAUGHTER

"..and when she finally awoke, she screamed '95lbs2beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!'"

I haven't laughed that much since I was hyped up on marshmallows and derived of sleep at friends' parties, aged 10. Sadly, my raspy cough did not enjoy the lolz. Ouch.

Also, on Come Dine With Me last night, the first host brought out her snake at her dinner party

She put it on the table, and it shat everywhere. They zoomed in.

If you haven't seen a snake shit, go, now, watch. Barf. Well, that's pretty much how I reacted.

don't you just love

2009-11-09T12:26:00.001-08:00

when you think someone is your size, and it transpires that you're actually a lot smaller?

I had this experience today. One of my friends, who I have thought FOREVER looked the same size as me to other people, attempted to try on my size 8 [us 4] blazer today, and it wouldn't go over her elbows.

HURRAH!

top three

2009-11-08T10:57:00.001-08:00

most disgusting things, ever:

1. MASHED POTATO

2. EGG SANDWICHES

3. CAULIFLOWER CHEESE

Hiyah. I'm E. I don't eat any of those disgusting mashed up greasy foods, and I'm still this size. How is that fucking possible?

je suis malade

2009-11-07T06:58:00.000-08:00

I have a very sore throat, and I had very much lost my voice. Mum just told me to drink two pints of water.

I am in the process of doing so, and MY VOICE IS KIND OF COMING BACK.

Although that's obviously meant to be a positive thing, I'm going to go right ahead and say the-thing-you're-not-meant-to-say:

I'm enjoying my illness.

I haven't been even vaguely ill in over three years. I'm always expected to be somewhere, at some time, doing something. I always have some kind of work to do. I'm always bloody stressed about God knows what - however, for the past day and a half, I've just got to sit around, watch food channels on TV, the odd episode or seven of Scrubs, and have unlimited cups of tea and Strepsils. No one expected me to do anything. I haven't felt pressured because I was trying to relax while I should've been working. So, fuck you, people who say you should never wish for illness. It's given me a nice fucking break, and I've bloody well loved it.

small sacrifices

2009-11-02T13:57:00.001-08:00

In order to cure my meat 'n' fat craving, I ate a Quorn version of the thing I saw on TV yesterday.

Wholemeal wrap - 105kcals

Quorn fillet - 95kcals

Small handful of lettuce and pepper - 25kcals

= 225kcals.

Nice. Same distance between here and the nearest KFC, coincidentally!

Saved about 300 calories, didn't eat meat, and it was just as tasty. I am satisfied.

superheroes

2009-11-01T14:42:00.000-08:00

Man thinks my superhero name would be Carb Girl.

That is all.

toasted twister

2009-11-01T13:53:00.000-08:00

I'm craving one of these beasts.

A KFC Toasted Twister. Never had one, but I bet it's crisp, zingy and.. wrapped.

Problem #1:

I'm a vegetarian. Why the Christ do I want fast food chicken?

Problem #2:

509 calories per wrap, 52.3g carbs and 23.1g fat. Enough said.

Secret Problem #3:

MY NEAREST KFC (or any fast food outlet, for that matter) is TWO HUNDRED AND TWENTY SIX MILES AWAY.

If it weren't for the overnight boat journey or, alternatively, a flight costing between £1-200, I'd be there right now, vegetarian or not.

'ey up.

2009-10-26T16:10:00.001-07:00

Home.

In great need of a good shag.

What I Have Learned On Holiday:

- the only vegetarian option in ANY European-not-British restaurant is margarita pizza.

- swimsuits are still as shit as ever.

- however, swimming is fabulous exercise, which I should and would do more often if it weren't for the whole.. costume thing.

- it's always better to be even slightly drunk than to not be drunk at all.

- sizing is mental in Europe.

- never, ever, ever go shopping with your mother.

2009-10-14T01:59:00.000-07:00

"That's a big bag."

"Yes. Yes it is. I like big bags. I like big shirts, jackets, pants, chunky acceories and boots. I like voluminous hair, too. Becasue I like to look like I'm drowning in these things," I says.

http://anonymousloving.blogspot.com

Me too. The more oversized and boyfriend fit the better.

I'm off abroad.
Hope you're all happy x

warning: wild weight gain, and a wild weight pun

2009-10-12T04:15:00.000-07:00

I know a guy who left school and went to work in Tesco. Anyone could see he'd beefed up

majorly, piled on the pounds, got fat, whatever you want to call it.

On Saturday, old friend I went for a walk with told me that he'd gained - weight for it -

SIX STONE. That's EIGHTY FOUR POUNDS.

fuck me!

leave of absence

2009-10-10T15:52:00.000-07:00

Note: Sorry for being so rubbish at reading/commenting on blog posts, I hope this blog explains a little. I won't be around again until after the holiday - again, explained within the blog.

E x

The past three days I have been away with forty or so of my peers, seeing various universities across the country. This has involved a lot of

a) early, early breakfasts

b) large, service station mid-morning snacks

c) sitting on a bus for huge chunks of the day reading magazines

d) fast, junk food dinners: i.e. Pizza Hut

The only good th

ing from E the Starver's perspective were the actual tours of the unis (lots of walking) and then the hour long walk around Edinburgh I had with an old friend at night. However, from E the Binger's perspective, it was an amazing trip - simply a massive excuse to pack your face with shit. I can't decide.

As of Wednesday, I will be on holiday for 10 days. With the family. Abroad.

It's disgusting. People will be scared of me and my blubber. I'm not leaving the villa.

I don't think I even have

any clothes to wear. I certainly don't have any of those 'swimming costume' things that now and then skinny people buy to torture people like me with by looking like a bag of bones.

And, inspired by Crazy D's drawing, showcased over at randomanorexics.com, I've done 'E in a Bikini'. There will be no 'real' picture to model against, so judge as you see fit.

i don't do halloween

2009-10-05T12:18:00.001-07:00

and anyone who sees this costume shouldn't either:

http://feministing.com/archives/007879.html

Wow.

fat advice

2009-10-03T07:13:00.000-07:00

I seem to have become a calling point for anyone I know having weight issues. In the past two days, three people (one close friend, and two people I only vaguely know) have come up to me, and been like

'E.. I think I've put on weight'.

I don't really know what to do. I quietly want them to all put on weight so that I look thinner. Bitter and spiteful? Yes. Does that matter? No.

this is meant to be funny

2009-09-29T12:52:00.000-07:00

And it is. Unfortunately, I can also see many, many parallels between it and me.

http://famine.brokensanity.org

under 'you know you're EDNOS when:'

.. you gain and lose the same five pounds in one week

.. one day's calories can be multiplied by 10 to get the next day's

.. you laugh at the idea of a 'balanced diet'

.. you stare at the cupboard for fifteen minutes and then walk away from it pissed at yourself for wanting to eat. Ten minutes later you return, depressed, and eat the most high calorie food there.

.. you know the calorie content of everything that goes into your mouth, but you still eat it

.. you skip breakfast and lunch, drink three bottles of water, and then eat the entire contents of your kitchen for dinner

.. you have been bingeing for three days straight while planning an eight day fast.

Sigh.

don't anger the pro anas

2009-09-28T12:30:00.000-07:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_XA0jFlMmzE

I may have inadvertently commented on that video, mentioning how much it amused me. This may have consequently led me to a message war with an angry Italian pro ana girl.

GO EUROTRASH!

sprechen sie deutsch ?

2009-09-24T09:36:00.000-07:00

There's a kid in my German class, who is really just a kid (well, year younger than me). He's kinda cute, and seems to have taken a bit of a liking to me. Though I'm not looking, and am 'happy' with Man, it's always nice to be liked, and imagine what could be.

However: his mother, his father, his older brother and his younger brother are seriously overweight. This has automatically written him off in my eyes. What?! I'm not even judging him.

FAT FAMILY? DON'T APPLY.

writing this damned essay is killing me

2009-09-22T14:59:00.001-07:00

I'm not sure why - I could write pages, and pages, and pages, and pages about reasons why people are overweight, and give numerous statistics about it, and then write an infinite number of pages on les troubles alimentaires, including behaviour and causes.

So why am I finding it so difficult?

EDIT:

Because it was impossible to write it impartially, I realised. It was dead weird trying to write about fat people as just people who needed to lose a bit of weight and eating disordered people as people with serious problems. All things I know on some level, but not exactly how I'd usually talk about them.

OH MY GOD

2009-09-22T11:09:00.000-07:00

This nutcase fasted for three forty day periods in order to get closer to God.

BEFORE:

AFTER:

'Oh my God'? Maybe I should turn to God..

[thanks to faz77 for posting the original link]

man-orexic

2009-09-21T14:43:00.000-07:00

Okay, so Man was technically overweight, but a) he didn't look it, b) I liked him the way he was and c) it made me feel better about myself. But he's gone on this storming losing weight thing. He's lost 4.5lbs (okaaaay, so hardly 4.5 stones, but it's more than I've lost recently), is surviving off soup, lying about what he's eating to his colleagues and going for runs at 11pm in the wind and rain.

To be frank, I'm a little angry. If only I were so committed.

meat feast?

2009-09-20T13:45:00.000-07:00

after having had a Quorn fillet, two roast potatoes, a Yorkshire pudding and a pile of vegetables heaped on my plate:

'oh, you've got, like, nothing there! Are you sure you don't want anything else?'

JUST BECAUSE IT ISN'T MEAT DOESN'T MEAN IT ISN'T FOOD.

franglais

2009-09-18T14:48:00.000-07:00

Latest essay title:

Vivre pour manger, ou manger pour vivre? Quelle est l'attitude de notre societé face a la nourriture a votre avis?

[Live to eat, or eat to live? What is the attitude of our society towards food in your opinion?]

I hate the fact we've started a health topic. It goes on to cover anorexia and bulimia. FAB!

And here's a picture of the awfully skinny Audrey Tautou, to stick to the French theme.

i went away for three days!

2009-09-17T09:56:00.000-07:00

Summary of events:

- mum tried to make me try on a coat in a size bigger than my 'big' size because of my fucking tits. I point blankly refused, and, in my hormonally stroppy period state, came very close to crying in H&M. However, most of what I bought was size 8 dresses, so good times-ish.

- my food intake consisted of

bowl of cornflakes plus raisins x2
scone x2
pizza x2
garlic bread that looked like a pizza x1
Starbucks chocolate chip muffin x1

Eugh. Although I like to think the amount of walking during shopping I did, combined with the amount of calf toning I did standing on my tiptoes to see over people at the gig may have burned off a little of it.

- I solemnly swear to never, ever let anyone make me stand that far back at a concert ever again. I'm a beer, sweat and shove kind of gigger. No more of this being calm at the mid-to-back.

- I'm asking Work I Really Enjoy if I can get a placement for 6-9 months and thus maybe, maybe, hopefully leave school. YES BABY.

"what is hunger?"

2009-09-14T12:11:00.000-07:00

Was the main topic on drivetime Radio 2 today. Some nutritionist woman was discussing what hunger is, and how, if the feeling didn't exist, people could just die/collapse/stop working due to a lack of energy.

WOW.

It is now my dream to remove hunger from the world. Or, at least, from my life. I'd die happy, thin and not hungry.

CARB FEST!

2009-09-11T15:16:00.001-07:00

Tonight, for my 'dinner', I had (at 9pm):

toast [2 slices]

crisps [1 bag]

fruit scone [x1]

Oh man it was good.

Feel free to disown me. In fact, probably best if you do it immediately.