Wednesday, March 11

eating disorders must be bred into this place or something

Recently Discharged Anorexic Long-Time-No-See Friend (not Recovering Anorexic Friend - seriously, they're everywhere, once you start looking) just sent me a Bebo message.

'haven't spoken to you in an awfully long time.. I love Ace of Cakes.. how are you getting on?'

A long time as in it's three yearsish since we had a good chat last. I remember the last time I saw her, though, a couple of weeks before she was made an in-patient. You could tell her mind was in a completely different place - like a floaty, other world, where everything became one big haze. There was little recognition of anything in her drawn, gaunt face, and what she did recognise was judgement. I know that she would've been thinking 'fuck off, don't look at me like that, don't pity me, I'm not thin enough, I've got to do more' - but I hadn't seen her in so long, it was such a shock. She had big scabs all over her hands and wrists. Her arms themselves were pointy, and defined: her spindly legs allowed the fabric of her navy work trousers to hang limply, creased, around her miniscule thighs. She's much taller than me, and quite clearly weighed about 30 lbs less than me. After around 5 months in hospital, her BMI had gone up to about 16.

I haven't seen her since she was discharged, except in a couple of pictures. I want us to go out sometime. Not to talk about it. Just to be. She has no idea about my issues, and I would worry that she would think of me as the short, fat, faker, but we wouldn't have to discuss it.

I just wonder why she picked now to send me a message. Probably coincidence. But it was weird.

Read Thin, completely (about three hours). To sum up, it felt like myself, except she was ten times more successful than I have ever been.
I could relate to everything, particularly the Diet Coke, and including the point where she just.. started to eat. Her fears never disappeared, but she tried her best to keep them under control.

In part, I was also incredibly jealous. Firstly, of her five and a half stone. Secondly, of the way she has never experienced binge eating - I felt like she somehow got off lightly with her anorexia. She reduced her calorie intake just as I do and did forty minutes of exercise a day: result? Size 6s fell off her. I do the same and 8s fit quite normally. How do I end up so huge whilst acting in an identical manner? Thirdly, of her freedom in her home life - to prepare her meals and use her hot water bottles and do her exercise DVDs.

I thought life would be easier with maternal parent away. It's not. Because I've been on the bus in the mornings, I've been having breakfast a bit earlier so I'm ready in time - thus the same time as paternal parent and brother. Dinner is all messed up with timing and what we're eating. And the change is totally freaking me out.

I'm a failure. I'm a complete fucking failure.

1 comment:

  1. there's a difference between you and grace bowmen - she got help, and you're not. better sooner rather then later. you don't want to end up 5 and a half stone. you don't want to become an in-patient.

    please, please get help. please.